Things Android Does That Your iPhone Can't
Android vs. iPhone, this war is
1. Don't Mess with Droid
Our android can beat up your iPhone any day! And our Android is on the honor roll. And it can run faster than you too! It's no big deal. We're used to it. Maybe it's the extremely customizable platform that makes our Android so much better at sports. Maybe the ability to connect via usb cable that makes our Android's dad way bigger than yours. Or, maybe it's the simplicity of backing up files with a simple drag and drop interface, similar to an external hard drive, that makes the iPhone seem much too overpriced. Drag and drop, son!
2. It's Going Places (and it's going the right way)
We sure do love our GPS. Directions from the sky? What’s not to love? Darting around town is so much more fun without the fear of getting lost. But for iPhone fanatics, driving your car into a lake has put the fear back in GPS (more like FearPS heyoo!) Thanks to Apple maps, iPhone users have been left high and dry with no idea how to get home. We’ll take Google’s directions. Thank you very much!
3. It Has a Healthy Relationship with Its Battery
Drop your phone in the toilet? First of all, stop doing that. Second step: take it apart and dry it out. Oh, what's that? You have an iPhone, you say? Well then according to our records, you are plain out of luck. Android has the right idea when it comes to this feature. People need to be able to pop the battery out every now and then. It's also a great idea to keep an extra (charged!) battery on hand in case you aren't in a position to charge it, or if you don't feel like being tethered to a wall.
4. Widgets Like You Mean It
Customize! Customize! Customize! With an Android, there's no need to stick yourself in grid icon prison. Download widgets! Put them all up on your home screen! Hey, you can even pretend to be a weatherman! Need the latest numbers from the Dow Jones? No, you don't. Download that widget anyways. It's your money, and you need it now! Widgets are great for taking a quick, sneaky glance at an app’s insides (technical term) without actually having to open it. With the Android operating system, users can manually place widgets on their home screens and even resize them to suit their pretty little eye’s needs. Well done, Droid!
5. The Screen Dream
Oooh, Retina display. It’s so beautiful. Yeah. It is. So what? The Galaxy S4 makes the Retina screen look like the hot girl’s less hot friend in a teen movie. Let’s take a look at the specs. While the iPhone 5 boasts about its non-standard 640×1136 pixel screen, the Galaxy S4 sits back and quietly laughs. It has 1920x1080 HD pixels. Aww, your iPhone has a crystal clear screen with 326 points per inch? Oh nothing, it’s cute. Ours has 441.
6. Look into My Eyes
It's not the Mona Lisa. And no, it's not that creepy painting of an eagle in our living room that seems to look directly at us no matter where we’re sitting. No, this time, it's the Galaxy S4 that's staring us down; except now it's actually useful. The newest member of the android mobile family is able to track the motion of the user’s eyes. So, whether you're reading in bed or trying to scroll down a page without getting Cheetos grease all over your phone, Android's got you covered.
7. No Nonsense Streaming
"You want an iPhone? Come on, look at it! It’s white and expensive! You like music? Look at this. You got your Pandora, your Rhapsody, etc. Do we have a deal?” Whoa. Freeze. Have you been out talking to old iSlick? Have you?! Oh really? Did he tell you all about the great music apps you can get with an iPhone? Listen, those iPhone pushers are trouble. You wanna download music directly onto your phone? Stick with the Android. Not only can you have access to the exact same apps as the iPhone at a lower cost; you can get yourself some widgets too. Ah? Did old iSlick tell you that? Hey, you be careful out there. If it weren’t for us you’d be out on the streets opening and closing apps like one of those iPhone addicts on the corner.Now go tell your mother you’re sorry. She’s been worried sick. Ahh…kids these days.
8. Free to Roam
You say you don’t like safari? Not crazy about iTunes? Sick of your one size fits all email app? Whoa. Easy there, fella. We’re in Android country now. And far be it from us to infringe on your personal default-app-freedom. These colors don’t run. Unfortunately, the iPhone isn’t as liberal (or as rough and tumble) as the Droid. If you’re dirt tired of your default web browser, well that’s just too bad! Quit your bellyaching, ‘cause we ain’t lettin’ you change nothin’. You get what you get and if you don’t like it you can get out (if you don’t have a contract)!
9. Face Unlock Technology
Welcome to the world of tomorrow! Now it is possible to customize your phone’s (they have phones now?!) lock screen like never before without the hassle of jailbreaking your iPhone. Take for instance, the face unlock feature conveniently included in the newest Android phones. Ready? Here we go. Hold your phone up. Not now! There’s a cop! Ugh. OK, now hold your phone up and let the magical Android face recognition technology determine whether it’s you or an alien invader sent from space to steal your phone, because you know how they are. Jerks! They have spaceships! Do they really need to steal our phones? Well, at least we have top shelf Android lock screen security. Good luck, iPhone users. Hope your mom doesn’t get probed (oooohhhh).
10. Better Social Skills
iPhone! Always with the launching of the apps! Dude, it is not that crazy of a concept. New rule: Easily visible updates for social media have to be a smart phone priority. We’re not supposed to be on Tumblr! Stop making it more difficult for us to get away with slacking off at work. We don’t want to launch an app each and every time to see if it’s an update worth risking our jobs for. Thank you, Android. You’ve made staying connected to the people in our little magic boxes easier than ever with custom updates and widgets. Android, we heart you.
11. It's a Tricorder. Beat That!
Is that a tricorder in your pocket, or are you just using an Android device? Another cool thing about Mr. Droid is the WeatherSignal app. This app turns your phone into a Star Trek inspired sensor scanner and data analysis machine. If you choose to download the app you will be taking part in a pretty unique crowdsourcing project. It uses your phone to display and record the atmospheric readings of your exact location. Which is then translated in to ultra fancy, ultra non-iPhone, ultra live weather updating. According to WeatherSignal it looks like a nice day for an Android to take a walk behind the bleachers. Sure hope that dorky iPhone kid doesn’t get in the way. This could be bad.
12. Two Apps. One Screen.
Two apps walk into a bar. One app says, “How are we here at the same time?” The second app says, “I don’t know, but the iPhone sucks.” Hey, some phones just aren’t that funny. That’s not our fault. But they do have a good point. The newest Android allows the user to view two apps on one screen, at the same time! Whoa. That technology hasn’t surfaced since the desktop! Can you say desktop? Dehhhssskkk tooopppp. There we go. That’s a good iPhone!
13. Don't Spend it All in One Place!
We work hard for the money. So hard honey honey. So why would we waste it on a smartphone that is, let’s be honest, basically a fashionable luxury item. You can’t have it all. There are perks to owning an iPhone. Beside the inability to waste time customizing it (trash that dream,) it’s also so wonderfully hip (and expensive). It’s never even heard of working hard for the money. So hard honey honey. It’s never even heard of that! The Android is a great operating system that works with Samsung, the makers of some of the most versatile smartphones. It offers a delicious array of apps. Also it names its operating systems after sweet treats like: Jellybean, KitKat, ice cream sandwich. Oh. My.
14. Lord of The Apps
Apps here. Apps there. Apps Everywhere. The iPhone’s app store has a lot to offer. Android’s Google Play store has more. Why? Because the Android OS is largely based on customization. This gives app developers the freedom to get more creative. And since Android only charges $25 for an up and comer to register their own application, as opposed to $99 dollars (per year!), Google Play can offer way more apps. This may cause a loss of circulation in the arms while window shopping in bed. With great power comes great responsibility.
Android is famous for its unique virtual keyboard called Swype. Swype makes it easy to drunk text your friends way too much information by sliding your finger across the letters that spell out the intended word; which is good because you probably aren’t going to remember how to spell until you wake up. And you wouldn’t want to risk misspelling your deepest/exaggerated emotions. How embarrassing. Meanwhile, in the sober world, Swype is a very handy tool that the iPhone just can’t compete with. It’s not a standard feature, and their third party apps hardly come close to the accuracy of the Android’s. Which brings us to our next topic? Apps. (dun dun dun)
16. Will Work for Buttons
We get a back button, a home button, and a menu button. Poor iPhones, with their one meager home button. Studies show that one button households have a higher divorce rate, and their kids don't know what to do about global warming, even though it's totes obvy. That is too a true study! Yes it is! Shut up! Ok, but really, one button sucks. We love the little surprise options when we press the menu key. And when it's 2am, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here (press back button).
17. Room to Grow
Another advantage from the completely revolutionary idea of letting a customer have access to the nuts and bolts of their own phone: you can upgrade your memory! Simply go to the store (very important), purchase a micro sd card and stick it in your phone (technical term). Try doing that with an, iPhone! Yeah, that's what we thought.
18. Prove It.
Even PayPal can be annoyingly prompt to email a receipt of your purchase. Trust us. Just the thought of it triggers that special ringtone. We know we bought a Coke! OK, that’s not your fault, PayPal. We’re actually grateful for the service because somebody, and we’re not saying who (Apple), can’t seem to get it together when it comes to confirming that we did, in fact, hand over our money to them. Android is no different. Google Play purchasers regularly receive receipts rapidly. It’s actually not that hard to say. But it is hard to do apparently. Step it up, iPhone. We really require rapid receipts regularly.
19. It's Got the Juice
Aww man, your phone is dying and this meeting is so boring. Look, kid. You can’t just go using up battery power all willy nilly. You have to make decisions. It’s about synergy. Teamwork! Think outside the box! That thing doesn’t have the cutting edge battery tracking that this company needs. How are you supposed to customize which features deserve to use your phone’s battery all day without a standard battery tracker? It’s sink or swim! Get your head in the game, iPhone! Peterman’s going to be furious!
20. The Android Robot
Remember when you were a kid and robots seemed like the ultimate Christmas gift? Ahh yea, for decades children have been dreaming of having their very own robot. Now, thanks to the Android, every child with rich or overprotective parents can! Look at how cute he is. He's the new Microsoft Word paperclip. We're going to hate him eventually, but for now, he's an awesome perk. According to our inner child, this little guy makes it all worth it. Thanks, Android. We heart you.